A Last Kiss Before We Say Goodnight
by Melanie Carter
Summary: This is how I would always remember him. Strong, beautiful and my Edward until the end...


**A/N: This one shot is dedicated to my cousin.**

**Last August was the twentieth anniversary of her death. ****Although I never got to meet her, my sister has a few memories of her. The most prominent was how excited she was when my mum told her that she would have a new little cousin soon, as she had no brothers or sisters of her own.**

**Unfortunately, she passed away at home with her mum and a Macmillian nurse beside**** her soon after. She was seven years old. I came along six months later. **

**I wrote this one shot around the time of her anniversary and have only just decided to post it now. ****She inspired this story. I hope she is safe where ever she may be and that I'll finally get to meet her one day.**

**Thank you to darcysmom for all her help.**

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>A Last Kiss Before We Say Goodnight<strong>

_This is how I would always remember him. Strong, beautiful and my Edward until then end..._

"You look... breathtaking." I couldn't keep my mouth from falling open slightly at the sight of her. She had on a deep blue layered dress that hit her legs in just the right place to show off her creamy, pearlescent skin. She blushed softly at my words and bowed her head, sending her delicately curled brown hair cascading over her bare shoulders. I stepped forward and placed my hands on said shoulders, rejoicing at the feel of her smooth skin under mine. She moved her head to smile up at me, and I got lost momentarily in her chocolate colored eyes. When she closed her eyelids lazily I almost protested, until I realised she was, instead, offering me those red, full lips of hers. I bent my head and carefully kissed her, savouring how she still tasted so good despite the fact I had been able to kiss those lips whenever I wanted for the past year. I still craved every inch of her, and the things she could do to me just by being in her presence were pathetic. I was devoted to her in every way, and I had known for a long time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Bella Swan. She broke off her kiss, and I almost whimpered at the loss of her lips until she reached up on her tiptoes to whisper quickly into my ear.

"Later," she breathed and sent a shiver down my spine as I felt her breath brush against my skin. She lowered herself back down to her proper height and smiled at me wickedly. I swear to God, my knees began to tremble. Only Bella could make me react like a pubescent boy with one word. I stole a quick kiss before nodding my agreement, a smile on my face equally as devilish as hers. From beautiful blushing girl to sexy, provocative woman in a matter of seconds, Bella never failed to astound me in every way.

"Shall we go then?" I asked as I pulled myself together and dramatically offered her my arm. To that I was rewarded with a sound I didn't get to hear often enough. A lovely sound that only a few ever got to hear from my guarded girl. Bella giggled. Very, _very _girlishly. Well I'm glad she found me so damn funny. Still laughing to herself she placed her small hand in the crook of my arm, and I led her out the door.

ooo

I slipped my jacket around Bella's shoulders as we came out of the restaurant. The balmy summer evening had turned cold, and thousands of tiny goose bumps broke out over her skin.

"Thank you," she murmured as she shrugged into the leather sleeves. I laced my fingers in hers and brought her hand to my mouth to kiss her smooth skin. I hadn't forgotten the promise she had made me earlier. I twitched slightly as I remembered her breathy word in my ear. Add to that the plunging neckline of her dress, which hinted at lacy lingerie, and I was tempted to take her in an alleyway right here and now. I had seen a bow; I had seen lace- I was vibrating with excitement. We reached the taxi wait, and Bella squeezed my fingers lightly.

"Edward," she whispered softly, and I was quickly snatched from my reverie to her gentle brown eyes. "Edward, don't drool in public."

She winked at me. Oh, she would pay for that at home. She cast her gaze up and down my body with an appreciative hum. Scrap that, she might even pay for that in the back of the cab. I tugged on her hand to pull her body flush against mine and quickly wrapped my arms around her. There were too many layers of clothes involved here. I thought back to a year ago- the exact night of our first official date. It had been overwhelmingly hot then. It seemed so opposite to the cool that surrounded us now. We weren't wearing so many clothes because of it. Not that we had been wearing them for long.

"That's funny." Bella's murmuring caught my attention again. She reached up to touch the skin just below my left ear. She brought it away again quickly and inspected the red smear on her fingertip. "You're bleeding."

"Oh yeah, I caught myself with the razor," I explained. I had forgotten about that. It had bled loads and stung like a bitch at the time. Bella had frozen, her round eyes staring up at me.

"When did you shave?" Her voice was oddly guarded.

"When I got home from work."

"So, at six o'clock?" What was with the twenty questions? I cut myself shaving. So what? Happens all the time. I don't comment at the tiny cut marks that occasionally adorn her slender legs.

Bella's expression slowly turned to one of disbelief.

"That was over five hours ago," she said.

"Yeah." I loved Bella, but sometimes she totally eluded me.

"Then why-" She paused as she ground her teeth together. "-are you still bleeding?"

I pulled away from Bella and touched my face myself, as though I suddenly didn't believe her. Sure enough, my fingers came back with a splodge of red on them. My mind went into overdrive.

"Oh."

I felt a twist of panic in my stomach.

"Edward, are you okay?" Bella asked. She rested her cold, little hand against my cheek, so I was forced to look at her. I mentally shook myself. So what? One tiny scratch hadn't healed instantly. It was on my jaw- I probably re-opened the wound every time I used my mouth. Which, at dinner, I had.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I told her with a curt smile. "Just, that's odd, isn't it?"

I tried to laugh. It sounded shaky and unlike me- much like what I had just said. She looked quizzically at me, but a taxi pulled up before she could reply.

"East Street?" I asked quickly into the open window as I stepped past Bella. The driver grunted his reply, and I bustled Bella into the cab.

It was just a scratch, and I really didn't want an argument. Tonight was our anniversary, and, God help me, I was going to get my fuck.

ooo

I blinked a couple of times against the pale morning light. In my semi-conscious state, images from last night flitted across my vision. Bella had forgotten about the little incident at the taxi rank.

I felt myself stir as I remembered her fuchsia pink silk and black lace bra with matching crotchless panties. My hands on the bra. My hands on Bella's naked breasts. Her face crumpled in ecstasy as she rode me, her thighs wrapped tightly around me.

I lifted my head and blinked a couple of times. Bella was still wound around me, but now she was next to me, one arm flung over my chest, one leg over mine. Her long mahogany locks were scattered out behind her on the pillow as she continued to sleep. I shivered slightly at the memory of my hands in her hair.

I sighed and gently teased her off of me. As much as I wanted to wake her and repeat last night's performance, I couldn't bring myself to break her peaceful slumber.

I smiled to myself as I slid from between the sheets and headed for the bathroom. My joints were stiff, and I stretched lazily as I walked. I could tell I needed a few more hours sleep, but I knew it was for the best if I got up. This way, I could make Bella breakfast in bed and be deemed the best boyfriend ever. Then I wouldn't feel guilty for waking her up just so I could plow her.

I smirked as I took a piss and flushed the chain.

"Oh yeah, Cullen, you the man," I thought dryly. I wondered for the millionth time what Bella saw in such a dork like me. Deciding I would never know, I made my way out of the bathroom, briefly peering at myself in the mirror as I passed it.

Bad hair, stubble, half shut eyes. Hot. I twisted my head to the right to get a better look at my jaw. Just below my left ear was the tiny razor scratch from last night still scarlet and open. I leaned forward to get a closer look. It still looked fresh. The same panic I felt fleetingly yesterday filled my stomach. Having a father who was a doctor meant I was always overly conscious when it came to illnesses. It also meant I was a dab hand at recognising symptoms.

I checked the shower clock. Ten thirty-five. It had been sixteen and a half hours since I had first cut myself, and the wound was still open.

Shit.

ooo

It was leukaemia. The doctor confirmed it early September, and my world was turned on end. The consultation room had grown still when he broke the news. It seems as though there was nothing else in the world than the four walls around us and Bella's hand in mine.

"Treatment?" I managed after a moment staring at him open-mouthed.

"Chemotherapy is recommended," the doctor told us. "And as your case is acute it should be relatively easy to manage."

Acute? Easy? He seemed to be taking this too lightly. He had just told me I had cancer. There was nothing _easy_ about it. I clenched my jaw tightly, ready to let the sudden rage come oozing out. Bella saved me.

"That's a relief," she reasoned, uncharacteristically calmly. "When can we start?"

The answer was in twelve days. At least, that's when my first appointment was booked for. I was amazed at the speed I was transferred. I guessed my dad had some hand in that. It's always about who you are and who you know.

I sat through my first treatment, Bella at my side as always, and tried to let it rush over my head. I realised pretty quickly, chemotherapy is a bitch.

Not only did I actually have to sit there through the session calmly as though having a needle protruding from my arm was fucking normal, there was then all the side effects.

I was constantly exhausted- some days, I could hardly bare to get out of bed. I often felt nauseous, and food held no pleasure as I could barely taste it. I lost weight, suffered from dizziness, and I was fucking bald. My sexed-up copper mess was no more. I was fucking miserable. Only Bella kept me strong.

I sat with her on a park bench one day in early autumn, pretending I didn't see the stares. Not that I blamed them. If I was them, I know I would be staring at the pale, bald, shadow of a man that was perching delicately on the metal bench too.

My only saving grace was Bella tucked up against me, her long hair billowing in the wind. It was the perfect end to a perfect fall day. The wind was up, but the sun still shone and cast everything is a fiery orange glow. I squeezed Bella slightly, and she turned her head to look at me. Her dark eyes sparkled in the low light, as did her full lips. I bent to kiss those lips softly, and I felt her smile against my skin. I thanked God for her everyday. I didn't know what I had ever done to deserve her, but it must have been something special.

"How do you feel?" she asked as I pulled away. I had chemo earlier in the morning, and she knew how I normally felt afterwards.

"Tired," I admitted with a weak smile. _Like I've lived for a hundred years, _I added to myself. Cancer did that to you. It merged everything into one long, sleepless nightmare.

"We'll go home soon," Bella replied with a sad smile of her own. She was all too aware that I would probably sleep for about a day when we got back to the house. I wouldn't even be able to lift my head. It seemed a shame, especially as I watched her now. She was beautiful in every way. From her widow's peak to her painted toe nails. Inside and out. I lazily lifted my hand and ran it through her soft hair.

"What?" she laughed nervously. Would she ever not get flustered from my touch? I fucking hoped not. I took in the way she blushed lightly as she realised I had been watching her, and I smiled to myself.

"I love you," I stated simply.

"I love you too, Edward," she replied and nestled back under my arm.

ooo

"I've got the results back from your last set of tests, and I'm afraid it's bad news."

The words I dreaded to hear filled my ears. I had come today hoping for good news. Or to be discharged from the cancer unit at the very least. When neither Bella or I spoke, the doctor continued.

"You leukaemia is more chronic that we had ever perceived, Mr Cullen. I'm so sorry I have to say this, but I'm afraid we can no longer help you."

"What?" My mouth grew dry. They couldn't help me? As in I was beyond repair? But all those hours, all that treatment.

"Your cancer was unresponsive to both the chemotherapy and your transplant. There's little more we can do."

I saw Bella sit up at little straighter.

"Little more? But there is something," she asked hopefully.

"Well, we can continue the bone marrow transplants, but they will only contain the cancer not cure it."

It was just a waiting game. I was dying. I was dying, and there was no way to stop it.

"But he can live for longer if-"

"How long?" I demanded through gritted teeth and breaking Bella off. Both the doctor and Bella turned their heads to look at me. "How long have I got to live?"

The doctor hesitated a moment before he answered.

"With further transplants- the fall. Without- no more than three months."

Three months. That only gave me until August. Mine and Bella two year anniversary…

I glanced sideways at her and noticed the silent tears that had begun to roll down her pale cheeks. My Bella…

"Thank you, Doctor." I stood suddenly and extended my hand out to him. "Truly, thank you. And goodbye."

He timidly placed his hand in mine, and I swallowed hard as we shook once. He understood my decision. No words needed to be uttered.

"Come on, Bella," I quipped, almost cheerfully. She looked at me bewildered but complied all the same. She hopped up and quickly crossed the room to slip her small hand in mine. She seemed so lost- almost like a child. "Don't cry. You know I would never leave you willingly."

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead firmly, lingering as my own tears crept into my eyes. I squeezed my lids together tightly to force them back before taking a deep breath and moving away.

"Come on- we've got a whole world to see in three months." I winked quickly at her, before giving one last parting wave to the doctor and pulling my Bella out of the hospital for the last time.

ooo

That night, I took Bella out for dinner before taking her out to look at the stars beside the river. We sat on the bank staring up at the endless sky together. There was no one else around, just me, Bella, and the gentle rush of the black river beside us.

"Edward," Bella whispered, breaking the silence. "Do you believe in heaven?"

I didn't break my gaze on the stars as I replied.

"I don't know." I had had plenty of time to think about it over the past few months but found I couldn't take the idea seriously until now- now my death was an impending certainty on my horizon. "Being brought up by two very logical parents, my first reaction would be no. I'd like to think there was though. The thought of there being something after death is the biggest comfort I have at the moment. What I wouldn't give to be able to watch over you and keep you safe even when I'm no longer by your side."

Bella moved from under my arm and propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. He eyes were glassy with unshed tears, and her normally flawless brow was puckered in thought.

"Really?" she asked. I reached up to cup my hand to her cheek.

"Of course," I replied. "You're everything to me. My first thought earlier when the doctor told us the news was not of me but of you. Of leaving you. That has to be the hardest bit of this."

Bella bit her trembling lip, and a salty tear escaped her right eye. I felt a twist in my stomach. I knew the tears would come again when I eventually passed, and then I wouldn't be able to comfort her. I would never get to hold her again.

Suddenly, consumed by the need to feel her skin on mine, I pulled her down to me and kissed her deeply. She reciprocated immediately through her tears and let her arms wrap around my neck. God, the feeling of Bella just _on me_ drove me insane. She still evoked the strongest emotions out of my pathetic body. I knew she always would.

I let my hands tighten around her back, and she gently tilted her hips as she pressed herself against me. I took a sharp intake of breath as my pants tightened at the weight of her on top of me.

Bella noticed too and carefully slipped her hand down between us. She knew she had to be careful with my weak body, but even her lightest touch sent thrills up my spine.

I pushed into her hand, letting her know I wasn't in pain. I wanted her to know I was comfortable- that I would always be comfortable as long as I was with her. But she was scared, I could tell. Tears still fell from her eyes as she kissed me, and she withdrew her hand slightly.

"Bella," I murmured huskily on her lips. She pulled away briefly as I watched her with what I hoped were reassuring eyes. She should have no reason to be afraid of me. She bit her lips softly for the second time before bending her head to place them back on mine.

I reached down instantly and pulled the bottom of her skirt up over her hips. She hesitated for a second before reaching down herself and pulling at her cotton panties. I took over and shimmied them past her ass then rolled her over gently so I was balanced between her bare legs.

I unfastened my own trousers and pushed them down around my knees. Then, without another word, I pushed slowly into her. She rocked against me gently as I drew out again, and a little breathy gasp escaped her throat. I steadily continued to slide in and out of her, and she copied my movements exactly. No words were spoken, but I kept her gaze as we moved together. We were connected- physically and mentally –and for that moment nothing else mattered. Not cancer. Not death. Not the damp greenery around us. Nothing but Bella filled my mine as I found my release deep inside of her.

No need for screaming and panting, just on deep moan that silently conveyed my intense love for her. She gasped softly and quaked around me before relaxing. Her tears had dried, and she lay watching me without expression.

I pulled out of her slowly and re-buttoned my fly. I retrieved her panties and slipped her slim legs through the holes and pulled them past her backside. Once I carefully lowered her skirt back over her hips, I placed a soft kiss where the hem met her thigh. Finally, I crawled along the ground and scooped her gingerly into my arms, so we could continue to stare at the night sky. I hoped Bella understood how much she meant to me. I didn't know if I would ever be able to find the words to let her know otherwise. Bella clung to my side, her long fingers fisted desperately in my shirt as though trying not to let go.

_You'll have to let go sometime, love_ I thought to myself. _I just hope you know I haven't really left you when the time comes._

As though she had read my thoughts, Bella snuggled even close to my side. I was totally exhausted- I was finding it hard enough to keep my arm wound securely around her. What would she do when I couldn't even hold her anymore?

"Bella," I broke the silence. "How do you still love me?" I realised how pathetic that sounded when she didn't answer. "I mean, when I first got diagnosed, you could have walked away. I wouldn't have blamed you. And yet you chose to stay with this bald, emaciated man."

Bella was silent for a long time, and I was beginning to think she wasn't going to answer.

"Before I met you," she began quietly. "I was nothing. It sounds cliché, but I was. I woke up, I went to work, I phoned my mom, I went to bed again. And then you came along. This bright, shining light that burst into my life, drowning out everything else. You made my life worthwhile with your love. You see yourself as weak and pathetic with leukaemia, but you're not. You're strong- you're stronger than any of us. You're still my bright, shining light, and you always will be, even when your flames have long been extinguished."

She stunned me into silence. There was such power in her words that I had to double check I hadn't succumbed to my exhaustion and imagined it all. I hadn't.

Bella had genuinely said that. I had known for a long time that Bella was my soul mate, for want of a better word, but now I knew she felt the same, this whole stupid, sorry ordeal felt worthwhile. Bella had got it exactly right- she made my life complete.

"Bella." I cleared the lump in my throat. "Would you be my wife?"

She didn't reply for a moment, and I wondered if I had gone too far.

"Yes," she said simple, and I felt joy warm me.

"Thank you… Mrs Cullen," I whispered and held her tight.

ooo

I didn't get out of bed the next day or the day after. I noticed the subtle signs I was dying now I knew the treatment had failed. I guess I had vainly brushed them off as side effects before, but I had known deep down it was getting worse.

Bella stayed with me all the time, telling me she had been allowed time off work when I lazily protested. I had no energy and could barely talk. We had been told what would happen if treatment was unsuccessful early on, so this was no surprise to either of us.

I knew soon I would be forced to stay in bed all the time. It would become my living coffin. And I knew too that soon I would lose the ability to talk, although I wouldn't stop thinking. And I knew those thoughts would be of Bella. I would tell her constantly how she amazed me in every single way though she would never hear. But I would say it anyway because Bella needed to be celebrated. Her very essence needed to be shared for she was everything that was great.

I slowly became less mobile, and soon I couldn't even move to the balcony to sit in the afternoon sun. Instead, I laid propped up in bed while Bella talked to me. My weak body could no longer bear to have any weight put upon it, so I couldn't even hold her. Sometimes, she would rock my head in her lap as she spoke, trailing her fingertips over my bare skin. And sometimes, I would hold her hand lightly and relish the feel of her supple, warm skin.

One night, as Bella sat beside me, her normal forced cheeriness dropped. I had lost the ability to talk a week ago, and I had seen the worry start to brew behind her deep eyes. Now, emotion raged through them, and she has lost her smile.

"I don't want you to leave me," she confided almost unwillingly. She paused before she carried on. "I kept hoping maybe the doctors got it wrong, and it was just the treatment. It was stupid." She shook her head at her own naivety. "But I didn't know what else to do. You seemed so brave and accepting of what was going to happen. What could I do, Edward?" She started to cry. "I can't think about you leaving me. It's too hard. I don't know how to tell you how much I love you. Nothing seems enough. You asked me to be your wife, but it was irrelevant. I've _always_ been yours. I will always be yours. Nothing will ever, _ever_ change that."

Tears ran steadily down her face as I wished I was fucking strong enough to be able to reach out to her. I was destroying her. Bella didn't deserve this.

ooo

I didn't realise I was dipping in and out of consciousness until nights came around too quickly. One minute, the midday sun would be streaming through the window, the next, it was dark, and Bella was asleep in her pyjamas on the other side of the bed.

It felt odd to be missing huge chunks of the day, but I found I accepted it as part of my impending finality. A few times I awoke to see my mom or dad's face gazing down on me and, occasionally, my sister's. I would offer them my silent words of love and thanks before I numbly slipped back under.

The amount of time I was actually conscious for grew shorter, and sometimes I couldn't even open my eyes. But I could still hear Bella murmuring beside me. She never seemed to leave my side.

"Edward, can you hear me?" she asked suddenly.

_Yes, my love._

"Edward… oh God." I heard a chair scrap along the floor, and her hand slipped into mine. Her touch was as soft as a feather. "Please, let me know you can hear me." She paused. "Please, don't go now. Please. You're mom and dad are coming over soon. Please, just stay." Another pause. "Just stay for one more minute."

I focused solely on her voice to fight the wave of darkness. She sniffed, and I realised she was crying.

"I've thought for a long time what I would say at this time," she began again. "And I still don't know. I guess I just really want to remember, you know? Remember how you used to hold me and play with my hair. Stuff like that." She exhaled an empty laugh. "The first time I met you, I fell right on my ass, remember? God, I was embarrassed. But you just helped my up and told me you had seen that step trip me on purpose. That's what I loved… love about you. You don't care how stupid, or clumsy, or forgetful I am, you always treat me like I am something special. But I'm not. You're the special one, Edward. I don't know how else to tell you. You've changed my life. And I don't want you to go. I'm not ready for you to leave me. I need you." She silenced herself, and I heard her take a big, deep calming breath. "But you're ready Edward. I can tell. You're ready to go. Goodbye, my shining light. I will always, _always _love you."

She sniffed some more, and I wished I could open my eyes to see her one last time. Her wide chocolate eyes, her thick lashes, her nose, her lips, her neck, her fingers, her belly button… but I couldn't. The pull towards the darkness was too great, and I knew I couldn't fight it for much longer. It was like the tide coming in. I tried to hop out of the way, but it continued to advance up the beach towards me. There was no escaping it. It had almost completely pulled me under, and I slowly gave up the battle. I felt all my torment slip away, and the world became numb. There was nothing but the gently ebbing darkness, ready to take me away.

"Oh no, wait!" Bella's cry pierced through the black and pulled me a step back from the edge. "I forgot to tell you. I mean, it's August thirteenth."

I sighed in happiness at her words and let the darkness wash over me. I felt content as it pulled me away, basking in Bella's love for the last moments of my life. She had made it all worthwhile. She was my reason, my purpose, and my unwavering beacon of hope. I owed every last drop of my existence to her, and I was thankful that I had been blessed with her love, even if it was only for a short amount of time. This amazing woman, who I would love for all of eternity.

_Happy anniversary, Bella._

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you.**


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